The Business of Love

Episode #45: Covid-19 and Your Relationship: An Opportunity or a Wake-Up Call

Covid-19 and Your Relationship

 

Episode #44 Business Consultant vs. Marriage Counselor

In business, it’s totally acceptable, and recommended to see business consultant. 

I work as a consultant in the business world… sales, leadership, peak performance, mindset, game planning… I get hired to go into companies and share my expertise.   (Based on 35 years of working and consulting with companies around the globe)

Business Consulting is an accepted practice - Normal - Expected - Progressive

Example:  You’re a president, CEO or even VP of sales… and you want to improve the performance of your sales team, you either bring an expert in to work with your team… or you do it yourself.  If you could do it yourself, you probably would’ve done it already. So you bring in the expert.

Imagine your sales team struggling, yet you as the leader didn’t bring in any help, you just lashed out and got mad… how do you think that would work?

Step ONE:  Recognize and acknowledge that YOU or you and your partner need help.  In your biz, if your sales team is struggling, you must bring in an expert and change some things.  If you and your partner are struggling, you must acknowledge that and be proactive.

 

Dan’s perspective: Often times - an association or stigma attached to counseling or therapy.  (Yes in my life). Sign of weakness. No one in my family ever saw counseling as far as I know… and we had a plethora of divorces.

Message to MEN: get over it. Get rid of your ego and look at yourself as a free thinker, and innovator… someone who is going to change the game.  Change the result.

 

Step TWO: It’s OK. - No one is perfect, and we are complex individuals… with different backgrounds and beliefs… and we often times need help.  We have negotiators, advisors and boards of directors to guide us in business, we must have the same mentality in our relationships.

Step THREE: Find an expert that feels good to both of you.  This is a negotiation or a discovery:

• Together
• Separate
• Male
• Female

 

• Must go into the situation with an open mind and a mindset to improve. 
  • If you sincerely don’t want to save your relationship, don’t waste your time.

 

Step FOUR:  Do the work

 

• Some go to counseling for YEARS with no progress b/c they are not committed to doing the work.
• Some go to appease their spouse
• Some my think they don’t need it.
• JUST DO IT

 

Summary: if you need help, get an expert, lower your ego and do the work.

Episode #43 The LEAD Measure...How to Get MORE of What you Want

Episode 43: The LEAD Measure... How to Get MORE of what you want.

In business, experts talk about working on the lead measure to increase sales. For instance, a life insurance company often times sets it’s accountability or measurement piece on what’s called the LEAD measure, not the result.  For instance, to determine if the life insurance rep will his or her quota, they often times measure the “meetings” or "appointments" with the “qualified family” vs measuring the actual sales themselves.

The meeting with the “couple” LEADS to the purchase of the insurance policy… so the LEAD measure for an insurance sales manager is how many appointments do my reps have vs how many policies they’ve sold.

Looking at the sales is like driving in the car and looking in the rear view mirror. They've already happened.  Measuring “appointments” will give you an indication of the reps success.

Ideas of LEAD Measures in your Relationship

• Having meaningful conversation (attention men)
• Being good at listening
• Doing something nice for him or her (what did you do when you were dating)
• Taking a walk… talking
• Running an errand together (divide and conquer)
• Offer to make a special meal (give him or her the night off)
• Flowers at work (for women)  Take him to lunch.. or send lunch to his desk.
• Act of Kindness… or thoughtfulness.
• Being Present

Episode 42 Married and Lonely

Episode #43: Married and Lonely

Jennifer reads post:  (Being lonely within marriage with hopes of being seen and heard)

Examples: Two Examples of friends

Three Elements of a Successful Relationship

1. Positivity
2. Consistency
3. Vulnerability

Consistency is usually taken care of with the context of marriage or relationship so it is always the vulnerability or positivity that will be lacking. There are two times you can fix this - In the beginning of your relationship AND after you’ve been in it for any number of years… 

Below are questions to ask yourself about your relationship… if you answer yes to any of these, then both elements could be lacking. And don’t worry, we’ll give you a guide on how to fix them.

Let’s start with early on in the relationship:

Pre-marriage or early marriage questions to uncover red-flags:

• Being “best-friend” first is paramount

 

Internal questions:

• Do you feel like you can share life-challenges with your partner?
• Do you feel “seen” and acknowledged?
• Do you feel heard?
• Do you feel like you can share life goals, or your hopes and dreams with your partner… and feel supported.
• Are there things that bother you about your partner that you’re afraid to share with him/her

 

Early Relationship Solution: If you’re early in your relationship, meaning still dating, you’ll need to really look at this and ponder if this is something you need to feel more comfortable doing, meaning, are you innately afraid of being vulnerable? Is this something you need to work on to deepen your relationships? Or, if you are able to do this in previous relationships and you don’t have it with your current partner, is truly the person for you?

Long - Term Relationship Solution:

(Softeners Section) 

Take your partner on a date… or something interactive… LIKE A TEAM BUILDING! Companies use this to break down walls and barriers!

(Sidestepping or overcoming FEAR)

New Episode Drops Every Sunday at 8am PST

Episode #41: Having a 3-some. Inviting Grace

Making relationships EASY… or as Easy as possible.  

People get caught up in “moments” when ppl act a certain way: Maybe they are dismissive, or distant...non-responsive.

Often times we IMMEDIATELY think… it’s US or “They are such a jerk.”

• We are all human
• We are all going through something

Two of the FOUR AGREEMENTS: (Don Miguel Ruiz)

• Don’t Take Anything Personally
• Don’t Make Assumptions.

 

Don’t Take Anything Personally - Easier said than done.

• • It’s a skill that you practice
  • Life long practice
  • “Everyone’s going thru their own stuff!
  • Nothing others’ do is because of YOU.
    • When someone short or dismissive, it’s not about you. It’s their own character defects

 

• What others’ say and do is a Projection of their own reality. 
  • Friend in WA
  • Jennifer’s See Agency Webinar
  • Other’s opinions come from their own reality

• When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering
  • Social Media Post
  • How you dress
  • This happens when you practice one and two.

 

Action Steps:

1. Think VR Video Game: When you see picture of others in your mind, see them playing a different VR game than you are.
2. Think & RESPOND… versus REACT. (It’s a skill you develop)
3. Adopt the philosophy: You’re not responsible for how others feel or what they do. 
   1. Book - It’s none of my business what you think about me.
4. Be Curious vs Reacting:  Hmm… why are they acting that way.
   1. Question: “Is there something going on”
5. Be Proactive:  Think right now… where have I, or where do I get triggered by someone… 
   1. Next time this happens, I’m going to get curious verses jumping into your old pattern.
6. Work on Forgiving Yourself First

 

New Podcast Drops Every Sunday at 8am PST

Episode #40 Investing in Your Success

Episode #25: Investing in Your Success 

We Talk about business.  When businesses are stagnant, they are neither growing or declining… 

In relationships, if we are not engaged, talking, connecting, we are becoming stagnant, and like a business… will not grow.  In relationships… staying in a state of stagnation, will lead to disengagement and disinterest.

Companies that are moving forward are always innovating… moving forward.  The same thing in a marriage.  

• Simple end of day with partner… how was your day?... yet not really listening or being present.
• Often times it’s a “throw away” conversation…. something that just happens, yet it’s surface.
• Having surface conversations with your partner is similar to going to a company leadership meeting and not being present…. over time, you are disassociated with the vision and the mission.
• What you put in is what you get out… 
• As time goes by… 
• With some relationships… the sex is the communication.  Nothing much after that.
• Steven Covey… building up emotional deposits…. into the bank of love.
• What would you do if you were dating that person.

 

Action Steps:

• If you business is stagnant, it’s NOT going to magically change… same for relationships
• If you wanted to improve a certain part of your business, what would you do?
• Dr. Gottman - Dreams.
• Hi Honey… how was your day?: Act "AS IF" you are doing research. "As if" you care. Act AS IF you are writing a story about it.
  • Dysfunction in business… and there is also dysfunction in relationships.  My ex… didn’t want to ask her, because she would literally talk for an hour. 
• You have a choice… if you disengage, your relationship will struggle.
• Act as if YOU ARE STILL Still Dating.
• Create a ritual. Before dinner… let’s you and me take 30 mins.
• Response Ideas:
  • How does that make you feel?
  • What do you think about that?
  • Tell me more about that?
  • Have you thought about your next steps?

New Podcast Drops Every Sunday at 8am PST

Episode #39 How to Ask for What You Want

Episode #39 How to Ask for What You Want

Again - different individuals with different upbringings and different models of the world.

Some ppl don’t know how to ask for what they want… and it causes challenges… b/c they complain or place blame rather than simply asking.

Almost a covert, passive aggressive manner… and often times don’t even know it.

 

Examples:

 

My Mom: 

 

I’m so tired of this hospital food all-day everyday…. 

 

My sister, who has turned her life upside down attempting to make my mom comfortable and safe… she feels inadequate… or has the need to make her happy.

 

...and so my sister is dancing around attempting to find a solution by saying, would you like to go out to eat today… 

 

1. Challenge is with complaining or casting this negative general statement… is that it puts the responsibility on someone else to figure out what you want.
   1. which isn’t fair to that person… what are they mind readers?

    2. The person NOT asking for what they want is always disappointed because the OTHERS don’t know                 know how to read their mind.

1. 1. Constantly disappointed - (Because they don’t know how to ask)

Example: My previous marriage:

• Messy kitchen table - drop off spot.
• I didn’t know how to ask… (my mom and dad)
• So I let the frustration build up inside of me… self talk.
• Then… something else happens… and there’s an upset.

Business situation… we are more proactive to make something happen.  Expectations are more clear.

 

Action Steps:

• When you have the urge to complain about something, ask yourself, “what do I really want right now?”
• Take a Breath - 
• Rather than expressing what’s wrong, express “what would be great”
• Recognition - Self Analysis:  Personal Growth.

New Podcast Drops Every Sunday at 8am PST

Episode #38 Relationship Myths #2

Episode #37: Relationship Myths Continued #2

1. Closure is Essential: 

Erica McCurdy, a certified master coach informed me, "Closure is overused and rarely gives either side the answers and mental rest that the client imagines it will. We often want closure when we have failed to address a situation at the time it took place. Because we have allowed time to pass, we have stewed, anguished, agonized over unimportant issues until they have grown into something much bigger than they ever needed to be."

 

Her advice? "Drop closure off at the curb, it's not your friend. Pick a new place to hang out and move on."

 

Jennifer: 

• If they feel they need closure, it’s more to rehash things rather than moving on.
• If you handle a situation properly, you won’t need closure later.

 

In business… if I am the the VP of sales and I’m having an issue with one of my sales reps…  

• You typically assess the situation
• Make decisions about where the “challenge was”
• Find a solution
• Move on

 

In a relationship… the emotions are wound up a bit tighter… and we typically feel like we want “closure”...  It’s OFTEN TIMES because “they” don’t get what they need… and keep going.  

• Maybe take a bit… and assess.

2. Marriage or Bust

The pressure of social norms.  We have get married. “Daniel and Hayley…”

There is no norm… anymore.

In business, many ppl are now breaking out of what was the norm…. getting a job, etc.  In the past… social norm was to get an education and get a good job and retire. Now, the script has been flipped…. 

If being an entrepreneur makes you happy, working 9-5pm will kill you.

Maybe just being in a healthy, loving relationship is perfect… without the paper.

 

• Trust Your Family and Friends advice

 

Licensed mental health counselor Daryl Cioffi told me, "I often find that my couples have warped senses of healthy behaviors in their relationships. Some of the worst advice comes from friends and family members because they themselves have unhealthy relationship patterns."

Summary:  

1. Closure is essential… it’s NOT Essential. Sometimes you need to assess
2. Marriage or Bust - Do what’s right for you
3. Trust Your Family and Friends Advice - Check the Source

 

Cultivate Health Intuition and Relationship habits.

Dr. Barbara Winter notes that, "Bad advice from an expert is telling someone exactly what to do: get a divorce, break up, end the relationship, albeit romantic, familial, business, etc." This kind of pointed, instructive guidance, then, should not be heeded from experts, no matter how well-meaning or logical it may sound. Rather, the expert's job is to guide their patient into making healthy, heartfelt decisions on their own.

Dr. Winter continued, "It's not bad advice when we recommend how to best engage, speak, or treat a partner to make a relationship healthier." So learn how to be an active listener who can make the most out of what you're told from professionals. Interrogate a situation and use the wisdom you have to make the best decisions. And listen to your heart.

New Episode Drops Every Sunday at 8am PST

Episode #37 How to Keep the Relationship HOT!

Episode #37:  How to Keep the Relationship HOT 

The Relationship Accelerator

YOU married your partner or in a relationship with our partner for specific reasons:

What are they?  Hot? Loving? Caring? Sexy? Great Father? Responsible?

 

• So how about letting them know?  
• People tend to communicate/let people know early in the relationship.
• People need reinforcement
  • if you don’t give it to them… someone else will.

Action Steps: 

 

• Use positive language
• Compliment for things you married them for/or are with them for
  • spontaneous
  • loving
  • thoughtful
• When you “TELL” someone who they are… they WANT to hit that mark.  (IDENTITY)
• Be consistent
• Don’t be a pussy.

New Episode Drops Every Sunday Morning at 8am PST

Episode #36 Carpe Diem

Episode #36: Carpe Diem

 

The Show Black Mirror show Recap…

 

Potential situations of the show:

• First Date sucks… are the app say for 5 years/10 years
• First Date Great… app says together for 3 weeks.  

 

In the episode… the date went so well, they didn’t want to look

 

Using Similar Psychology…

• If you didn’t know how long you would be with your current partner, how would you treat him/her
• If you didn’t know how long you would be with him/him when you got together, would it have made a difference in how you treated him/her.

So here we are today… no matter where you are… you’re there…   You can start fresh.

 

Dan’s disease - Changed my behavior.

 

People think there’s always time.  

In Business, if you own a biz… there may be a great 5 or 10 year run in your specific industry… YOU NEED to MAX that out.  Or maybe you have an amazing sales manager… and he/she may take their talents elsewhere if they don’t feel fulfilled both financially and psychologically.  So you wouldn’t take things for granted with a valuable employee, you want to do what’s necessary to keep him/her producing at a high level. 

• Terry Fator - 10 years running: NOT taking things for granted. 
  • Always working on himself and the show.

 

Action Steps:

1. Find appreciation every single day. (Seriously)

    2. Ask Quality Questions: 

1. 1. What can I do today to make my partner smile?
   2. What can I do to make my partner’s life easier?
   3. What if we only had 2 years left, how would I treat him/her

     3. Repeat and Create a Success Habit

 

New Episode Drops Every Sunday Morning at 8am PST